Teatime with the Benign Alphas
I would never judge other people’s trashy TV choices, but I’ve never been a fan of the whole Real Housewives phenomenon.
A bunch of rich, backstabby bitches scrambling for status and sobbing into their mimosas just doesn’t hold any entertainment value for me, other than spawning the most enduring meme of all time.
Women who fake cancer for attention or poke their best frenemy’s eye out with a stiletto trying to claw their way to the top—bor-rring! Such tired, anti-feminist tropes. Anyway, I prefer my drama in the form of wombat combat and cataclysmic weather events.
Which brings me to my Benign Alpha Woman theory.
We’ve all heard of alpha males, the big daddy gorillas who do the capitalism and catch the most fish. Alpha females similarly embody qualities of confidence, courage and ambition, only with less hair on their chests.
Benign alphas—which as far as I know is something I made up—are part of a subset of such strong women.
The primary definition of benign is “gentle and kindly,” without threat or harmful intention. It doesn’t necessarily mean the opposite of malignant, though we all know uncontrollable human tumors who suck all the life out of everyone around them.
A benign alpha does not confront rivals or cause cringey drama when things don’t go her way. No hair-pulling, no man-stealing, certainly no table-flipping.
But do not mistake this for avoiding conflict: A benign alpha utilizes the kind of energetic aikido that lets an adversary hoist themselves on their own petard, or as we like to say in my crew, show their ass all by themselves. (See: Tuesday’s presidential debate.)
Nor should the term be confused with the lesser “beta”: A benign alpha woman is anything but submissive. She runs her own schedule, understands the assignment, and while she remains calm in the face of adversity, she will not hesitate to cut you to ribbons if you cross her. (Metaphorically speaking; a benign alpha woman does not resort to violence unless necessary. But that doesn't mean she isn’t carrying a knife in her purse. Also: see Tuesday’s presidential debate.)
Unlike toxic or aggressive alphas (and male betta fish, go figure), more than one benign alpha can exist in a room or organization without friction. She thrives on shared leadership and abdicating responsibilities to capable teammates who treat her with respect. She might be climbing a ladder—professional or social—but she puts a hand down to help others up the rungs.
She might be an entrepreneur who creates a fair, enjoyable workplace because she knows her people are the key to success. Or perhaps she’s the biggest pop star in world history, using her platform to educate and uplift.
Plenty of benign alphas don’t want the stress of being a boss lady at all—maybe like, the fun, boss-adjacent sidekick. Often she just does her own thing, choosing where to share her skills as needed.
Benign alphas would rather collaborate than compete and don’t take more than their fair share of the credit (but you’d better link her Insta or website, just sayin’.)
She can be of any age, though old enough to call out BS when she smells it.
She is happy to let another smart, qualified woman lead the committee or the company—or *ahem* the country.
Benign Alpha women are very much here for the hot goss, but cluck with empathy for others' misfortunes (and will probably contribute a little something to your GoFundMe.)
Benign Alpha women don’t always make for captivating television. But they are exactly the people you want on your team, in your corner, and especially, at your parties.
One of the finest examples of benign alphahood in Savannah and all womankind is Shelley Smith. This fearless, creative polymath who has influenced the city’s cultural scene for decades:
Her sexy club Venus de Milo and innovative restaurants in the early ‘aughts paved the way for the nightlife and elevated cuisine we enjoy now. She prodigiously produces new artwork, wielding blowtorch and brush with equal dexterity while highlighting other artists’ work. Generously sharing resources with local authors, a small slice of her own photography and poetry is anthologized in the deliciously dark Dead Girl Diaries. She’s hosted the most talked-about Halloween parties in town while setting an example of everyday philanthropy for local charities.
Shelley’s latest foray into real estate has her taking on some of the hardest cases in the market, chronicled by her trash-talking, truth-telling TikTok alter ego, Deborah. (With her omnipresent unlit cigarette and outrageous screeds, Deborah is straight-up super alpha.)
From time to time, Shelley also throws elegant afternoon teas for her favorite local ladies, who are legion. Last Sunday afternoon brought out around 75 entrepreneurs, artists, attorneys, marketers, designers, dancers, and other dynamos shaking out their umbrellas as they entered the sublimely decorated Berkshire Hathaway offices on E. Perry Street.
“These women and their businesses are the connecting tissue of our community,” explained our hostess, handing me a cup from a table doubling as the satin hoopskirt of a Marie Antoinette look-alike, courtesy of woman-owned special events company Stardust Pixxies.
“Bringing them all together makes magic happen.”
The atmosphere of beneficence and benignity welcomed women from all sorts of backgrounds, professions, and generations, sipping on the velvet sofas and cackling at each other’s jokes.
“I don’t ever want anyone to feel like she doesn’t belong,” enjoins Shelley, who adheres to the definition of a woman as “anyone who identifies as one.”
She became enamored with the ritual of afternoon tea from an elderly lady named Cornelia while volunteering at an assisted living home during college. On their weekly visits, Cornelia would insist that her young friend prepare a full silver tea service, complete with butter cookies hidden away in a hollow ottoman so the nurses wouldn’t scold her about her diabetes.
“Time would almost stand still,” recalled Shelley almost 30 years later, Cornelia long gone. “We made a deep connection.”
A few years ago she revived tea as a way to reconcile her professional and personal pursuits. Lest you think her teas are all about exchanging business cards, however, she admonishes that this is “not a cutesy networking thing.”
“I want us to take a moment to learn about each other, to get to know the person behind the persona.”
That’s another thing about benign alphas: They show up as the best versions of their authentic selves, which means the outfits were amazing.
Among the coveted frocks were beloved bespectacler Dr. Erika Morrow and multifaceted community treasure Cecelia Arango, both grand in green. Costume couturier Joni Taylor wowed with her oversized blue poppy hat, along with fashion maestra Rose Marie Woulfe’s exquisite swan headpiece.
“Careful, he bites,” warned Rose Marie with a wink.
Wide brims and florals abounded among magnificent mingler Jamie Smith Arkins and “accidental socialite” Lady Shannon Lancaster as skillful sempstress Maureen Patrick and artist/art documentarian Beth Logan sipped champagne.
Celebrating accomplishments were superstar chanteuse Shena Verrett with her recently-finished memoir and show-stopping head pixie Jamie Failing, busy as ever with a new non-profit venture. The infatigable Lesli Messinger of No More ODs and harmonious Rebecca Flaherty of community children’s choir SING! spread awareness and charm.
Somehow making an orthopedic boot look chic was exuberant advocate Alexa Frame accompanied by her lovely mother, Rosemary, and no Shelley Smith production would be possible without her sweet mama Martha Chapman overseeing the dessert trays.
(There were too many brilliant beauties present to list all y’all, but please know I saw you and I loved your dress.)
Shelley’s love for animals also made special appearances: Kitten cuddles courtesy of Red Clay Animal Rescue evoked much purring from all species, and you would’ve have thought TS Herself appeared when pen-and-ink pro Tamara Garvey helped usher in the precious petite equine couple from Fuzzy Therapy Miniature Horses.
These women came to enjoy Shelley’s supreme hostessing and cheer for each other, each one successful in the way she defines success for herself. Savannah thrives for its abundance of Benign Alphas, and all I can say is that it takes one to know one.
With so much talent in one room, all that energy needed somewhere to go. Whirling dervish and Soul Waves Studio proprietor Dana Danielson led us through a moving meditation that quickly became a wild conga line of gyrating hips and waving arms.
Every pair of fashionably-shod feet joined in the hoopla, because a benign alpha dances and doesn’t care who’s watching.
Anyone walking by the glass doors got quite a show—guaranteed, it was a whole lot more exciting than anything on trash TV.
Keep on dancing, babes ~ JLL
This was such a powerful gathering! I am so grateful for these opportunities to reconnect and dance with people that I didn't know the day before! See you at George Clinton Parliament Funkadelic!
Benign Alphas rule... thank you for being ONE of them all! Hugs!